What will Happen in Washington Today

I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot someone and I wouldn't lose any voters.

--Donald J. Trump

Yesterday, the president admitted he intended to obstruct an FBI investigation when he fired James Comey. GOP members of Congress just shrugged.

Here's what's on tap in Washington for today:

8:00 am: Upon learning that American Ninja's ratings are beating out the best season of his Celebrity Apprentice, Trump borrows a Secret Service weapon, stands outside the White House and shoots someone.

8:30 am: Fox News covers the incident. With a slick graphic it compares Trump's "presidential shooting" to previous presidential shootings (Lincoln, Kennedy, Reagan, Monica Lewinsky's dress) and concludes that Trump's shooting had the largest audience.

9:00 am: At a press conference Sean Spicer explains that the shooting was recommended by Jeff Sessions, Don McGhan, and "that new FBI guy who's been wandering around."

9:30 am: Four moderate Republicans scratch their chins and say they are "concerned" that the president would shoot someone. 

10:00 am: An emergency session of the House is called to discuss whether insurance companies should consider being shot by the president a pre-existing condition under the AHCA.

10:30 am: Paul Ryan meets with the president to discuss plans for a tax cut.

11:00 am: In an interview with the Economist, Trump explains that he had always planned to shoot someone. He was going to shoot someone no matter what anyone said.

11:30 am: Sean Spicer begs the president to please shoot him next.

Noon: Lunch.  Trump orders eight bowls of ice cream. His aides each get a sprig of parsley. No one says anything.

1:00 pm: Mitch McConnell addresses the Senate. Wearing his hurt and befuddled face, he wonders why Democrats should be so bothered by the president shooting someone. However, in what he calls a "concession," he agrees to investigate the shooting, announcing he will assign a life-size cardboard cutout of Inspector Gadget to the case. He expects the investigation to take about twenty-seven years.

2:00 pm: The president plays a round of golf. Despite a dismal score, the president doesn't shoot anyone else.  The New York Times reports this as a "positive development."

3:30 pm: The president shoots someone else.

4:00 pm: Five moderate Republicans express concerns about "a developing pattern of presidential shootings." 

4:30 pm: Paul Ryan meets with the president to discuss a new round of tax cuts.

5:00 pm: Trump has a private dinner with Russian Ambassador Sergey Ivanovich Kysliak. As a show of trust, Trump has the White House staff use nuclear weapons blueprints for tablecloths. During the dinner Kysliak consoles the president after his "hard day." "Maybe you don't know this," the ambassador says, "but President Putin shoots people all the time. He's gotten used to it.  You will too."